PIRANHA

Ok so Alexandre Aja’s take on Joe Dante’s 1978 ‘classic’ Piranha arrived in glorious 3 Dimensions, with a sterling cast, but after the disappointment of Aja’s last directorial outing, Mirrors, the question was “does it deliver?”. And the answer is “Yes…in spades”

Casting ones mind back to my very first introductory post to this blog, in October 2009, one might notice my comment bestowing a high approval rating on Alexandre Aja, ranking him alongside other such luminaries as Carpenter and Raimi. An upstart for sure, with only a handful of films under his belt, but what films they are, sir. For my money Alexandre Aja is a properly exciting horror filmmaker. Enthusiastic in the way that all great nerds-come filmmakers need to be, and possessed of the ability to make some truly brutal and shocking cinema. The scares in his movies are not cheap, loud, noisy whizbangs, but skilfully crafted moments of tension punctuated by sudden and graphic violence. Switchblade Romance was an eye opener. A gruelling assault on the viewer, with its international title - High Tension (a.k.a.Haute Tension) - being thoroughly apt. The Hills Have Eyes laughed in the face of the principle that all horror remakes and sequels suffer from the law of diminishing returns. It was a truly worthwhile remake. Unfairly pigeonholed alongside such total and unmitigated shit like Hostel, and all that ‘torture porn’ nonsense, it could easily be overlooked were it not for the fact it is an uncompromisingly brutal, violent and scary horror film. So yes, despite the slight misstep with the aforementioned Mirrors, it would be safe to say I am big fan of Monsieur Aja.

But Piranha was a bit of an unknown quantity. I confess that despite also being a big fan of Joe Dante, I have never seen the original Piranha in its entirety. Coupled with the fact that the Piranha effects in the trailer looked far from the finished article, and I admit there was some scepticism creeping in before I sat down and watched this.

I should not, however, have worried. Piranha is just total glorious trash in the best possible sense of it all. I am a big, big fan of the 'creature runs amok' genre, be it Lake Placid, Alligator, Jaws, the Godzilla movies, Digby The Biggest Dog in the World or even Cloverfield. That stuff is like catnip to me. I cannot resist.  And Piranha is thusly a worthy addition to the oeuvre. The plot is slight – earthquake awakens prehistoric Piranhas. Piranhas eat tourists. Local cop must stop them. But frankly who cares about the plot? This is a chance to see every horror movie excess taken up to eleven. Be it nudity or gore, it’s all here and it’s all gloriously O.T.T.

Fun cameos abound from Richard Dreyfuss, Eli Roth (whom I despise, yet it’s undeniably fun seeing him get his comeuppance), and CHRISTOPHER LLOYD - hamming it up and channelling the spirit of Doc Brown in a manic turn as a local pet shop owner.  To clarify, Christopher Lloyd can do no wrong in my eyes. But where has he been? I’ve not seen him in a movie for ages and it is another of Piranha’s many plus points to have him lending his kinetic, hyperactive presence to the proceedings.

There is also a great irony, which I only realised after the movie had ended, where Richard Dreyfuss’ character more or less recreates a famous scene he was in from Jaws, but in reverse!

I also do not believe that there is another actor working today who can play an utter douchebag as well as Jerry O’Connell. The man just oozes fuckwittery, and has the kind of face that must act like a magnet for punches. He is every American Jock and British Reebok wearing, up-for-a-fight town centre Saturday night pisshead you’ve ever seen in your life, all rolled up into one oily cunt of a human being. It is almost unthinkable to reconcile the fact that he once plied his trade as the fat kid in Stand By Me or as the goody two shoes Quinn Mallory in the excellent, but underrated sci fi series Sliders, with the fact his bread and butter nowadays is playing a shitheel.

Some weight is lent to the yarn by having a bit of quality in there. Elizabeth Shue and Ving Rhames are on board as the hero cops and both are great. Nobody in the film plays it like it’s beneath them, or that they are slumming it, and bit parts are filled out with quality b-movie actors like Dina Meyer; And perhaps most shockingly of all, beyond even any of the gory set pieces Aja can set up, is that Kelly Brook is NOT terrible!

The movie succeeds on all fronts. The set pieces and the gore are grisly and the special effects hold up even in 2D. It’s a movie designed as exploitation – exploitation of nudity and gore, and also of technology. It exists to take advantage of the 3D and show it off in the most base and tasteless ways possible. In case you’re mistaking that oxymoron for a criticism, then rest heartily assured that it is not. It is solid gold trash!  Low brow fun of the HIGHEST order. My only regret is that I did not catch this in 3D at the movies. If there is any possibility for you to see this flick in 3D then I would highly recommend it, because as good as it was, in 3D it would have been amazing.

IMDB: Piranha