So for the last month I very much enjoyed the daily Flash Fiction Challenge, set by Writers Victoria here in Melbourne. It was open to everyone and the simple rules were to compose a short story in no more than thirty words, using the featured word of the day. It was a great, fun challenge and you should check out Writers Victoria and all the daily winners here:
https://writersvictoria.org.au/writing-life/news/flash-fiction-2020
Confession time: I forgot all about the challenge for the first nine days, but once I started it was impossible to stop. I built it into my daily isolation routine and it helped me feel productive during this weird time. The Flash Fiction Challenge also gave my brain a creative boost which helped me focus on other projects. On 10th April I won the daily challenge with the second story I wrote, Lens, which was very exciting.
The upshot is that I enjoyed writing these weird tales so much it seemed like shame to let them evaporate over on Twitter. So I've compiled them all here on my blog, in lieu of me ever getting my own website sorted for my film and fiction writing. I've also included a few stories that I wrote, but didn't post, because I had several tries at the brief. Any feedback is gratefully received and if you feel inclined to provide it you can find me on Twitter and Instagram.
So here for your perusal, are twenty-seven weird tales of intrigue. Where the strange and the mundane cross-pollinate. Where the terrifying and the bizarre shake hands with the boring and the everyday. Where Sasquatch hold medical degrees. Where the Martian Internet delivers internationally. Where cannibals lament the lack of good cookery guidance.
Do you dare read on...*
CRISP
9 April 2020
Thing is, a flamethrower only got 3 settings: off, ‘gentle flame,’ and a third one no sumbitch Martian raygun stands a chance against… burnt to a goddamned crisp.
LENS
10 April 2020
I’m telling you, there’s absolutely no way to tell without the Monster Lens. Look through here: human… human… human… monster. See? I told you. Monsters everywhere. Now get my clipboard.
MYOPIA
11 April 2020
The myopic Small Business Manager is the real villain. Said my business plan was ‘ill conceived’. Said I should stick to Frankenstein’s Monster. But Frankenstein’s Bistro would’ve been way cooler.
CONVERGE
12 April 2020
Summoning a multi-dimensional convergence looks easy on paper, I’ll grant you that. But get your sums wrong and you’ll be sponging liquefied necromancer’s out of your carpet for a week.
SHARP
13 April 2020
If there is a downside to vampirism, and I’ll be honest here… it’s the teeth. They’re too dang sharp. And they make it impossible to eat a piece of fruit.
BULLSEYE
14 April 2020
“Bullseye!” he shouted, and Dr Bigfoot lay unconscious before him. Now to search his office. If he found it, everyone at Sasquatch Hospital would be shocked by his terrible secret.
GLASSES
15 April 2020
My first order from the Martian Internet. My heart was pounding. At last, my X-Ray Glasses! A sticker on the front caught my eye… ‘not suitable for humanoid perception.’
GLASSES
15 April 2020
The room hummed with anticipatory conversation. He tapped his glass near the microphone, the shrill pitch gathering attention. “Assembled guests, it is my great pleasure to introduce... The Invisible Man.”
PERIPHERAL
16 April 2020
Do you have time to talk about our many-tentacled Lord and Saviour? Technically we’re a ‘peripheral religion,’ despite the fact we’ve seen the steepest sacrificial incline in the country.
VAGUE
17 April 2020
The Boss was pretty vague when he said “take him out.” Plus, it was only my second day as a henchman, you know? So I bought him a nice meal.
VAGUE
17 April 2020
There’s no instruction manual for an Alien autopsy. Did you know their cranial fluid sacs are poisonous? Now that you mention it, health and safety here is a bit vague.
LASER
18 April 2020
We’ve had our top scientists researching it for months. Unfortunately, most of the good animals were already copyrighted for military-industrial complex purposes. So my team devised… guinea pigs with lasers.
DRIFT
19 April 2020
I cannot emphasize this enough: don’t let your mind drift when summoning a Kraken. We do not want sea beasts in our city. Their Trip Advisor reviews are always scathing.
SPOTLIGHT
20 April 2020
It’s the Abominable Snowman’s fault. ‘Building a media presence’, he says. Hogging the spotlight, is more like it. We’re not all like that, but Very Pleasant Snowman doesn’t sell newspapers.
SWAY
21 April 2020
There’s no justice. Decency holds no sway with those deficient in it. The only thing these motherfuckers understand is money and bureaucracy. Well, that and wasps… go get the wasps.
CENTRE
22 April 2020
Our intrepid expedition to the Centre of the Earth found no dinosaurs, nor cyclops. Instead, at planet’s core we found yolk. Assembled guests, we are living on a Cosmic Egg.
CENTRE
22 April 2020
At The Centre For Advanced Demonology we offer many courses including: Premium Acolyte Selection, Possession For Beginners and Pre-Apocalypse Cardio. For enrolment contact us via pentagram manifestation or email.
READ
23 April 2020
For this month’s book club we’re reading The Necronomicon (unabridged). You should be able to find it in the Warlock’s lair, an adjacent unfriendly dimension or that bookshop at the airport.
MEASURE
24 April 2020
Well sir, there really is no objective measure to quantify a King Kong attack. The aftermath is always tough. If it’s not infrastructure destruction then it’s the dang banana shortages.
RIVET
25 April 2020
The insurance company determined the Roswell crash was due to a loose rivet in the quantum light accelerator. The Earthlings live-autopsied the crew. Official cause of death: Primitive Curiosity.
CLARITY
26 April 2020
His vision drove everything: it put up the compound, erected the effigy, authored the loveliest blood incantations. But clarity of purpose eventually deserted him and, sadly, the apocalypse was postponed.
DISTORTED
27 April 2020
The newspapers call it teleportation, but that’s distorting the truth. Technically, I rip you apart on a sub-atomic level, before replicating you perfectly in another location. Basically, you’re a photocopy.
GATHER
28 April 2020
He gathered, via a medical acquaintance, that the human brain was 73% water. But this one definitely tasted dry. Cannibal recipes are notoriously obtuse. He was also out of basil.
FIXATED
29 April 2020
Cops caught me red handed, gouging the eyeballs out of shop mannequins with a spork. Judge said I was fixated, but I prefer to use the term ‘enthusiastically detail focussed.’
FOCUS
30 April 2020
Their focus was all wrong. Dracula’s a businessman like anyone else. They should’ve just stuck to Evil Castle property values. They were estate agents, their souls were damned already.
FOCUS
30 April 2020
Got shitcanned from my job. ‘Dangerous lack of focus’ they said. I was on my phone for 5 minutes, a famous vampire hunter got bit and that’s MY fault, somehow?
FOCUS
30 April 2020
It all came into focus after just one dinner. The Loch Ness Monster is no ‘monster’ at all. He is a gentleman. A charming, erudite and deeply misunderstood Mesozoic reptile
*(please read on)
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