PLANET OF THE APES

Planet of the Apes
A group of astronauts awakes from cryogenic sleep to discover they have crash landed on a barren and primitive world. They soon discover that apes are the dominant species and that mankind is little more than a collection of brute animals. This classic that kicked everything all off still holds up marvellously, but what is there to say that has not been said before? Fantastic ape effects, masses of quotable dialogue, Charlton Heston at the height of his powers, and THAT ending. They call these things ‘classic’ for good reason you know.

IMDB: Planet of the Apes


Beneath the Planet of the Apes
Second time around, Brent, an astronaut on a search for the missing Taylor (Charlton Heston), crash lands on the Planet of the Apes in much the same way as the team from the first movie did. He befriends Nova (Heston’s squeeze from the first flick), Cornelius and Zira and they head off into the Forbidden Zone in search of Taylor; only to encounter a mutant horde of superhumans, disfigured and bestowed with mind control which they use in the pursuit of the worship of their God – a gold plated atom bomb! The law of diminishing returns applies to a small degree, but they still don’t make bonkers sci-fi like this anymore, and its misanthropic dénouement continues the highly entertaining franchise theme of bowing out on a total bummer, man.  It’s a wild ride.

IMDB: Beneath the Planet of the Apes


Escape from the Planet of the Apes
Starts off very lightly as three ‘Apenaughts’ travel back in time to 1970s Los Angeles and comedy ensues as cultures clash and they adapt to the 20th century lifestyle. Then about three quarters of the way through it suddenly goes a bit dark. And by ‘a bit dark’ I mean completely off its rocker dark. If Takashi Miike made a Planet of the Apes movie it would have to be this one. In the same way that Audition starts off all pleasant and nice and then suddenly right angles its plot and heads off relentlessly into the forbidding darkness never to return, so too does Escape From the Planet of the Apes.  For the sake of full disclosure, there are a few big plot holes to ponder on, but it changes tack so brutally from the lighthearted to the beserk, I can’t help but love it and its remorselessly bleak conclusion. This one is an absolute cracker and a total ‘must see’.

IMDB: Escape from the Planet of the Apes


Conquest of the Planet of the Apes

Earth’s cats and dogs have all been killed off by a mystery plague from outer space and so the many varieties of ape have taken their place, not only as pets but as servants in mankind’s Orwellian 1991 society. Caesar, the intelligent time paradox progeny of Cornelius and Zira, becomes the catalyst for the ape revolution. The quality finally starts to dip with this entry in the series, as the mythos of the Ape uprising is brought to the screen. However it is still a watchable 90 minutes and worth your time alone for the assured, suave charm of Ricardo Montalban, as Ceasar’s friend and father figure Armando. It is also notable for being the source of the sample at the beginning of Crossed Out’s Vacuum. A question which had bugged me for years.

IMDB: Conquest of the Planet of the Apes


Battle for the Planet of the Apes
By now the series is struggling somewhat, and Battle… is by far the weakest link the in the original set of films, dealing with the conflict between Caesar’s apes and the mutant subterranean humans. It is of interest only the context of giving closure to the original series and for featuring an appearance from Assault on Precinct 13’s Austin Stoker. It’s going to be nobody’s favourite and is a long, long way from the masterful original and its loopy sequels.  It’s most definitely unessential, but if you’ve had the inclination to watch all the others thus far (and quite frankly, why WOULDN’T you?) it provides a certain element of tidiness to the story arc.

IMDB: Battle for the Planet of the Apes


Planet of the Apes (remake)
Upon its release the critics were not kind to Tim Burton’s confused Planet of the apes reboot, and time has been even less kind to this jumbled mess of a blockbuster. A plot that makes little sense, and THAT inexplicable ending make this the worst of the Apes movies by quite a considerable margin. Before Paul Giamatti started to get decent jobs to show off his acting chops, he had to slum it in nonsense like this. It’s so bad in fact, that I would almost say Mark Wahlberg is slumming it too, were it not for the fact he was in Ted (a movie so appalling on just about every conceivable level it makes this Apes reboot look like the Seventh Seal). Add to this the fact Apes is overlong and punctuated by some pretty cruddy acting, there is virtually nothing at all to recommend about this movie. Avoid at all costs. You cannot get that two hours of your life back.

IMDB: Planet of the Apes


Rise of the Planet of the Apes

The modern day re-entry to the series, rebooting the origin of Caesar and the intelligent ape uprising. James Franco plays scientist Will Rodman who is working for a cure against Alzheimer’s and other degenerative diseases. After an incident that causes Will’s experiments to be shut down, he saves the young, intelligent Ceasar from euthanasia and takes him home. Ceasar lives with Will and his ailing father (the always excellent John Lithgow), as Will continues his experiments through his determination to cure his father’s illness.  This is really a rather great new entry to the Apes canon, despite the fact it basically re-writes things from the end of ‘Escape’ and ‘Conquest’ onwards. Events are teed up rather nicely for further Ape-ventures, and Rise features some great effects and excellent set-pieces. The Golden Gate Bridge battle is a particular highlight. Going into this without much in the way of high expectations, it turned out to be very enjoyable a great surprise all round.

IMDB: Rise of the Planet of the Apes